Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) Lexi’s Version 💜💖
Back to December was the soundtrack of my first panic attack. I was 17 and in the shower. Crying so hard, I couldn’t breathe. I remember bracing myself against the bathroom wall in an attempt to slow my racing heart and mind. Listening to the Speak Now Album at such an impressionable age impacted me in so many ways. Re-listening to Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) today, an impending 30 year old, it’s cathartic. To celebrate the release of Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) and my own healing, I decided to share this post from @gaialects that I took screenshots of one year ago today. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t.
Picture this: Girl is extremely considerate of others emotions because she was raised to treat others the way she wants to be treated. She makes a mental note to always be kind and to put other people’s feelings before her own. She meets boy who is charming and funny and so kind to her as well. Mirrors her well, and shows her signs of his consideration, sometimes inconsistently. Once he is comfortable, his acts of consideration dwindle, more inconsistencies appear. She then finds out due to his upbringing, he was never held accountable for his actions, parents let him do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. life has always ran on his own time.
So here you have an extremely considerate person who has love for an extremely inconsiderate and self-serving person by nature. both products of their respective environments. The considerate girl eventually grows tired of bending to the inconsiderate boy’s will. She starts to set boundaries and notices discomfort and resistance in the boy. No matter how many times she cries to him or expresses how much the inconsideration hurts her, his behavior continues. He will always find different ways of being inconsiderate and self-serving because that is his nature and has been since birth.
She is now forced to learn how to set boundaries. She is now forces to go against her nature and put her feelings first before the boy she loves. She feels uncomfortable and restless. She’s prone to being easily manipulated and gaslit into thinking setting boundaries is wrong of her because she’s never been here before. She’s never felt forced to set these before. Whenever she complains to him about his behavior hurting her, he replies “that wasn’t my intent. I honestly didn’t think it could cause harm.” Her love for him makes her want to see the best in him, She believes him and finds it hard to stay mad for long because she rationalizes it by saying “he genuinely didn’t know any better. he’s been through a lot. I know he loves me, he shows me in his own way.”
What girl needs to realize is, his own way of loving her is not enough for her. It doesn’t satisfy her. It’s crumbs compared to the bread she could be eating. Their bond has blinded her. A part of her knows she deserves more, yet she wants it to come from him. She is used to chasing affection, she is used to the inconsistencies. That is why it looks like she has not one once of self-respect. That is why she tolerated this behavior for so long. It feels familiar, it feels like home.
You are not home. You are in hell. Your inner child wants a new home, one that consistently makes you feel as good as you make others feel. one where your actions and love can be reciprocated. One where you are valued deeply, maybe he is trying his best. Maybe you can see that with your heart of golf. But how long will you continue to hurt yourself wishing and hoping? It takes years to undo most traumas- sometimes a lifetime. Don’t hold your breath. set the boundary.
Empowered Boundaries by Cristien Storm was my first introduction to boundaries and boundary setting. I spent years listening to podcasts, working on myself, finding my people, and even had a “No F***s Given” Calendar with quotes each day. I am grateful for my journey, new friends and old, family that have always been by me, and my best friend and partner for continuing to encourage me.